“ He is the Moses of the game who has shown the path to blazing success.”-----Ravi Shastri speaking about Lalit Modi .
On my daily visit to the temple , this morning , I was surprised to find a voice conversing with somebody inside the temple . Peeping inside to enquire about the identity of the person , since there are very few people in the temple at dawn , my surprise turned to shock when I saw Moses , oops , Lalit Modi conversing with God .
The conversation went somewhat like this :
Lalit Modi to God: “ Khush to bahoot hoge aaj . Main ha main, jisne aaj tak kisi se kuch nahi maanga , aaj tumhare samne khada hoon . Woh kal ka baccha Stanford , jise koi nahi jaanta tha West Indies ke bahar , aaj Manoranjan ka dada (Grandfather) ho gaya . Main Manoranjan ka baap is nowhere . Khush to bahoot hoge aaj ………
Not knowing how to make head and tail of the conversation , I followed Lalit Modi outside the temple , and asked him “ Commissioner sahib ( I call him that only , I think he feels good about it ) , is everything alright ?”
Modi looked at me in disgust and said “ Don’t you know what Stanford has done ?”
Since I have failed to qualify for Paanchvi Pass , you can imagine my I.Q and General Awareness , but I did not want to appear my true self before Moses , I bluffed , “ Yes indeed , what a pity!!”
Believing that Stanford university had invented something or laid claim for patent on the cheerleaders , which had infuriated Lalit Modi , I went back and surfed the net for the latest on Stanford .
Very soon this ‘Paanchvi fail’ realized that Sir Allen Stanford , who is the chairman of Stanford financial group , is also into wealth management , real estate , insurance and it appears every money making machine under the Sun , had lauched a 20/20 tournament between The English XI and a Super Star XI . The Super Star XI will be composed of players from the Carribean and believe it or not , The Winner gets 10 million pounds in prize money . This Stanford fellow landed in a helicopter on the hallowed turf of Lord’s and brought along the entire prize money in a chest , as if to assure everybody that he was not bluffing . The players composing the winning XI will get 1 million pounds individually , one million pounds will be distributed among the players on the bench, the support staff will get one million pounds and the remaining 7 million pounds will be distributed between the English and the West Indian Cricket boards . Furthermore , the losing side will not get anything …….. yes ,NOTHING !!
Then it hit me …..
The Americans , as I had feared for long are out to get India . Like the spurned lover , they are out to get us because we have not acceded to the Nuclear Deal . First that President of theirs , that small Bush says that the food crisis in the world is because of us Indians ( Arre baba , we toh only eat McDonalds Burgers , and the poor still die of starvation ) , the Energy crisis is also because of us Indians. They have even issued advisories to their tourists to avoid Mumbai during monsoon , lest they fall into open manholes .
Cowards of the first order , I tell you , scared of falling into manholes , when we have been doing it for ages , nonchalantly . Kids in our country fall into borewells and become richer once they come out , and these Americans ……they want to catch bin Laden ……. Now when Moses Modi innovates something and employs American cheerleaders to entertain our cricket lovers ( I call it the revenge of the Indians , Americans dancing to our tunes , rather than the other way round) , here comes the Stanford fellow , and spoils everything .
These Americans , they have no respect or love for cricket , but like true Imperialists , they want to buy everything . Cricket , I tell you is a game of Gentleman ( what if Harbhajan slaps Sreesanth) and tradition (in which game else do you find so much time to sledge! ) and people play it for honour rather than money (IPL notwithstanding) .
Arre Baba , I tell you , what are Americans ……got no culture , no respect for women , no respect for elders …….bus money , money , money . Look at us and our traditions .
And no sir , I will not discuss the contemporary Indian tradition of ‘Honour killings’, ‘Female foeticide’, ‘the fact that the Govt .has to introduce law to enforce care for elderly parents’.
Anyway , let’s get back to Cricket . Cricket ! What Cricket ? I thought we were discussing 20/20 .
Oops….I forgot 20/20 also pertains to cricket , although with the IPL jamboree alongwith cheerleaders , players fighting with each other, Preity (pun intended ) heroines , Liquor bottles in pavilions , we simply forgot .
Speaking of liquor bottles , I take this opportunity to bow down in reverence to Ness Wadia , the scion of Bombay Dyeing ( how appropriate , with Raj T. around) and incidentally the owner of the Punjab King’s XI , who called the SSP (Senior Supdt. Of Police ) of Mohali , “ A small and a mean Man”.
Apparently the Punjab Police personnel were stealing T shirts and liquor bottles from the pavilion and Wadia and the SSP got into an argument . The same Punjab Police was once headed by one K.P.S . Gill and wiped out the terrorists from the state without any questions being raised . How the mighty have fallen !!!! Bravo , Bravo, Mr. Wadia …..what is an SSP anyway in front of you ? One who has merely qualified the exam considered to be amongst the toughest in the world (Civil Services) , earns in a month ( at least the salary) what you earn in probably in an hour , surely does not have a girlfriend as Preity ( pun again intended) as yours , and is merely a symbol of the Sarkar ( not Amitabh) . I am sure you keep the Sarkar and its Sarkar Raj , in your pocket . You , the one who is a great grandson of the Great Mohd. Ali Jinnah , the one who has the blood of a nation builder ( or destroyer , depending on how you look at it) , in his veins and a mere ‘ small and mean policewalah , dares to argue with you . I would have wished to be around if you had said the same thing to that man KPS Gill . Boy … it would have been fun .
But , since I am also a small and mean man , and am also a bit thick in the head , I just seek a clarification from Mr. Wadia , if his royal highness does not feel offended . Benevolent Sir , could you please let me know the reasons behind Liquor Bottles in the Pavilion ???
Maybe it is the tradition of Cricket ………..On second thought , maybe this was the reason for Bhajji slapping Sree . The bugger , belongs to Kerala is playing for Punjab and having fun , and here he was , a thoroughbred Punjabi stuck with this stingy Marathi Manoos . His owner Mukesh Ambani needed all the money for the dream home he is building and his captain Sachin has recently brought a mansion for 39 crores only , which he will be Demolishing , to build a new home . Expecting both of them to spare anything for Bhajji , was like expecting an Eskimo to buy a refrigerator .
Speaking of Sachin , the poor guy is exhausted of playing 3-4 matches in IPL and is not playing for the country at the ongoing tournament in Bangladesh .
Arre Baba , Bacche ki jaan loge kya ? What if he did not play in the test matches against South Africa , before IPL . He was unfit , yaar . He played 3,4 matches in IPL and has subsequently become ‘ unfit’ . What if he looked completely fit while playing in IPL ? I will not respond your snide remarks about him selecting to play in matches he wishes to .
You nasty people , Sachin has just brought a 39 crore mansion , Inflation is touching 8.7% , Petroleum prices have been hiked and all you want is , Sachin to Play!! Does he not have a family to look after , Merc and numerous other fuel guzzlers which require fuel ………….If he starts playing , who will do all the Ad shoots , Baba !!! As it is , this Dhoni guy is creating problems . No , Not with the team yaar , there he is no comparison , but in the modelling assignments . Wonder where he gets all the time to shoot , doesn’t he have to practice to play cricket !!
I must tell you about the fate of this guy , Rahul Dravid , who used to practice cricket all the time , used to think of cricket all the time . I heard somewhere that his dining table was designed like a cricket pitch , so that he could focus on cricket all the time. He restricted his practice of Ad shoots , talked of commitment , sincerity , integrity , read up on famous books , biographies .
Result ::::His skewed priorities ensured that The great Vijay Mallya ( one of my favourites) is teaching him the technique to build a team , In Public!!! The selectors have thrown him out of the limited overs team and I am sure , he will lose his spot in the test squad also, very soon. . Serves the guy right! Who asked him to be goody-goody , sincere , become the wicket keeper so that the team got the balance right , who asked him to open the innings when everybody , including the great one , ran away . Who asked this Rahul fellow to stand up against hostile fast bowlers when the smart ones simply surrendered and walked away for the Ad shoot . I give a damn (apparently even the selectors do ) to his statistics in matches away from home , in matches India had won ……..God has a way of ensuring that these guys get their desserts .
Desserts ………. Yes , the Stanford fellow ( I think he belongs to CIA) will get his desserts . He and his agency are no match for the ingenuity of our brilliant commissioner Lalit Modi . Modi has now introduced the concept of ‘Bartering’ in the IPL . Yessss, sir , ‘bartering’ , you know , like in olden times when you did not need money to procure something . You simply exchanged items . Confused!!
Let me illustrate , for example , if Kolkata want Gibbs from Hyderabad (not for match fixing , you fools..) , they can offer any other player from their team, ( obviously not the best , that they keep for themselves) , say the guy from Mizoram , who never played a match . If Hyderabad accept ( wonder why ) , the exchange is made , without money being involved.
What brilliance ! In these times of inflation and stuff , one of the theories being floated for the high rate of inflation , is the excess money in circulation in the market ( Don’t ask me ,I have not seen it ) . So with the barter in place we kill three birds with one stone . You get the player you want , dispose the one you dislike and most importantly , curtail inflation . Not for nothing are the Marwaris known for their business acumen .
What say , Sir Stanford , when you guys are scared of falling into manholes , how do you tackle this genius . You CIA guys , better stick to catching Laden , that might be easier .
Reportedly , Vijay Mallya has jumped on to the bartering idea . He wants to exchange Rahul Dravid . The worst part is that he does not want any player in exchange !! Shahrukh has also warmed upto the idea , but the Paanchvi Fail he also is, he wants to exchange any of his players for Preity Zinta , since he wants all the star power in his team . The fool , does not know that the scheme is for players only . Fools you are , with Shahrukh anything is possible . Ever heard a ban on a player being lifted for a month so that he can play for a team , the ban gets imposed when the tournament is over . Happened with Shoaib , didn’t it ? Banned for five or was it two years , his ban was kept in abeyance for one month , so that he could play for Shahrukh’s team . My sources tell me that even Ben Johnson has approached Shahrukh to get his life ban for steroid use, uplifted .
Anyway , the IPL is over , Dravid is practicing his footwork against spinners , Sachin is shooting for Ads and speaking to interior decorators , Shoaib is back to being banned , Preity is back for her shootings (Thank God) , Bhajji is brushing up on his vocabulary (speaking Monkey in Swahiili) and last but not the least Ekta Kapoor is back .
