SHERLOCK HOLMES AND THE INDIAN MYSTERY

WITH APOLOGIES TO SIR ARTHUR CONAN DOYLE

In order to bring an end to the Arushi Talwar investigation , the CBI decided to take the assistance of Scotland Yard , who on their part offered the services of Sherlock Holmes and his assistant Dr. Watson . The Indian authorities also depute an Indian Detective to assist Holmes .
The assistance of Sherlock Holmes was supposed to be a Confidential matter , since the political parties of all colours and hues might take it as an affront to Indian sovereignty .
True to the Indian tendency to keep a secret , nearly half of the country's media lands at the airport to greet Holmes on his arrival . Holmes is shocked beyond description , but the tenacious media people thrust their mikes and recorders into his face , hoping for a byte . Questions are put forward from all corners , " Mr. Holmes , how does it feel to be in India for the first time ?" , " Mr. Holmes , who killed Arushi and Hemraj?", " Mr. Holmes , who is your favorite Indian Cricketer ?" . Even poor Dr. Watson is not left alone , " Dr. Watson , will you be visiting the Taj Mahal ?".
Somehow , the authorities whisk away the duo , who true to their Professional approach , want to visit the site of the crime straightaway . The Indian detective is amused at this request . " Arre sahib , you have just come , first let's go to the hotel , rest-vest kijiye , have chicken-vicken . We will visit the place tomorrow ."
Holmes insists on visiting the crime site immediately, and being the personality he is , he prevails .
On arrival at the site of the crime , the same bunch of media personalities again accost the duo . Wizened by the experience of the airport , they proceed towards the house , accompanied by the media with the lights of their cameras flashing , triumphantly .
Holmes could hear voices in the background , " As you see Sherlock Holmes has just arrived at the crime site , and our sources in the police department tell us that the murderer will be exposed in a couple of hours." " Aapko bata de ki Arushi ka hatyara ab jyada der bach nahi sakta ." " Our sources tell us that Dr. Watson is a big fan of Indian food and has ordered Hyderabadi Biryani for dinner . "
The media personnel insist on entering the house along with Holmes and Watson , but Holmes puts his foot down and the local authorities comply , grumbling , " Saale samajhte kya hain , How can you investigate without the media around ? I had told my wife to watch me on TV tonight , but this Holmes fellow has spoilt everything ." The media people stage an impromptu dharna against denial of their rights and foreign conspiracy .
In the privacy of the house , Holmes who is thorough to the minutest detail , and had studied all there is to know about the case , asks the Indian detective , " So , tell me about the case right from the time you arrived after the murder . "
The detective , still glowing from the sound byte he had been able to offer to the media in the melee , replies , " Right after I got the news , I reached this place within half an hour and saw a few of media friends roaming outside the building and asked for directions ."
"Directions!!", Holmes is startled , " What do you mean directions ?"
"Arre sahib , how do I reach the place without directions , this is not your country where every beat constable knows the way around the entire area . We are such a big country and furthermore our people mostly keep a lookout at the Nukkad , as that is where the trucks pass through illegally and the Hafta has to be obtained . The truck drivers are such cheats , you see , they will never pay your share if you are not present there ."
" Anyway , I had to push my way into the house as the entrance was completely blocked by my media friends."
" At least the media guys had not entered the house and somebody had the common sense to keep them outside ", Holmes sighs.
" No , No sir , the only ones who remained outside where the ones who could not enter the due to the crowd of media personnel . Actually , I was shown the room where the murder took place by my friend from XYZ channel only ," the detective went on .
Dr. Watson , on hearing this , nearly fainted , even Holmes felt giddiness . " You really don't mean what you say . I mean you need to seal the area to look out for evidences , don't you ?" Holmes sounded irritated .
" Haan , that is what they say in the books ," The detective went on , " but we are a democracy sir , that is good for you whites , we have to look out for the aspirations of everybody ."
"Don't teach me about democracy young man " Holmes said , " I believe that nothing was tampered at the site and forensic evidence was neatly collected by the Professionals ."
" Yes sir , we are very competent people , even our media friends helped us out . My friend from XYZ channel ( who showed me the room ), gave me the items lying there, and he also switched on the computer in the room and showed me a few files stored in the computer ." " If you promise not to tell anybody , he accidentally deleted a few files ."
" Good heavens !" said Holmes , "don't you guys know that the basics of investigation are to preserve the site where the crime had been committed in exactly the state it had been found. Otherwise vital evidence is lost which proves crucial in deducing the crime."
" Anyway , how did you recover the body of the servant , whom you were suspecting in the first place ?" Holmes enquired .
" Arre sahib , what to tell you , there is this retired police fellow living in the neighbourhood ( always poking his nose into the affairs of others ) , who came over to offer his condolences , and saw blood stains leading to the roof . He insisted that the roof be opened and found the body there ." The detective added .
" Ok , fine , so what did you see on the roof ?" Holmes enquired .
The detective sounded sheepish , " Kya sahib , I was not even there , I saw the news of discovery of the body on the TV , and rushed there ." " My friend from XYZ channel with all the other channel guys did not let me get to the roof , until they had finished describing the bloodied handprints on the roof. A few were comparing sizes of the handprint with their hand size ."
" Good Lord, no wonder you guys do not catch anybody , be it the terrorists who roam free throughout your country , murderers or for that matter petty criminals ," Holmes went on .
The detective retorted immediately , " No sahib , in this case we did . The father is the murderer and we have arrested him ."
" Yes , I know about his arrest , but tell me , what evidence convinced you about the identity of the criminal , and please tell me , what is this honour killing you guys talk about ? " , Holmes enquired .
The detective was pleased as a punch , since he felt he had shut this firang for good. Clearing his throat , he went on , "Actually , the incident was described beautifully by our I.G. , Gurudarshan Singh in his press conference . The father was having an affair with a female colleague , which Arushi knew but did not like . She herself was close to her servant , Hemraj , and was caught in an objectionable position by her father . The father who also was characterless , got enraged and killed both of them . After all , ghar ki izzat ka sawaal tha . And Sahib , honour killing is a novel concept in the northern part of the country , since these girls nowadays have no respect for their parents , all due to MTV , they do not care for their family and you see ...."
The detective gets very uncomfortable while describing what exactly these disrespectful girls do , but somehow blurts out " lafda chala leti hain , start having an affair with a person of humble background ,sir." The parents , in order to maintain the honour of their family , then kill them."
Dr. Watson , nearly spat out the water he was drinking . Sherlock is aghast , " What !!!! Kill their child to maintain 'honour' ?" " What kind of society you guys have , you guys commit female foeticide , dowry burning and talk of honour ! And what do you mean ......they are characterless."
But since his brief was to investigate the murder , Holmes maintained his composure and enquired , " Ok , but tell me about the evidence based on which you arrested the doctor ".
" What evidence ?" The detective sounded irritated . " we in India do not look for evidence , we do not have so much time . That is a western concept . We simply presume a theory and arrest everybody who fits the bill . After that our interrogation techniques (chuckles) ensure that the person admits to the crime , because he feels it better to serve a prison sentence , rather than face our techniques", the detective smirked .
Holmes was exasperated by now , looking towards Watson , he said " Watson remeber one of my cases , where I remarked, that it is a capital mistake to theorize before one has data . Insensibly one begins to twist facts to suit theories , intead of theories to facts ."
Looking towards the detective , who looked offended by Holmes's remarks , he asked ," what next , Mr. detective ?"
" Arre , we have subjected him to a narco test , where the accused man is interrogated under the influence of a drug", the detective replied and went on "everybody connected with the case has also been sujected to a lie detector test. we now plan to include the neighbours , the locality grocer , the cable man to such tests ."
" Narco analysis , but that is not scientific , although charlatans project it as one , to suit their needs, and besides , it is not admissible as evidence," Holmes said.
" Arre sahib ," the detective laughed , " who wants evidence , do the courts not know about this , do they ever object ? Besides it is fun to watch the narco analysis examination on TV."
Watson was puzzled , "TV!, is it not a confidential interrogation ? I mean if it becomes public, the investigation might be compromised ."
" So what , at least the TRP ratings of the channels go up . I sold the narco analysis tape of Abu Salem to my friend from XYZ channel, and boy was it fun to watch the gangster being subjected to interrogation . You ask questions and the supply the answer , the guy who is on a drug induced semi conscious state merely repeats what you say . For example , you ask him the name of his intended victim and say as to whether it was Subhash , and slap him gently a couple of times and repeat the procedure . The guy simply repeats the name and the news channels announce that he wanted to kill Subhash Ghai (film director and producer) . What fun na?"
Holmes is disgusted by now and wants to take the first flight back home , but his sincerity prevails, and he continues , " Have you been able to recover the intrument through which the murder was committed , any other accomplices ?"
" Yes, yes we have arrested the compounder , since the doctor was not speaking too much even in narco analysis , and our bosses think that the compounder had a grudge against the doctor or maybe he was the one having the affair , " the detective said .
" For heavens sake , do you guys have no respect for the dead atleast . You people seem hell bent on dragging the name of the poor girl into mud , simply to suit your outlandish theories , " Holmes had by now lost his cool, " What about the weapon?"
" Arre sahib , this fellow this a clever one , there is no trace of the weapon , but now this compounder tells us that he knows the location of the weapon and will help us retrieve it . "
" Good, but how did you elicit this information from the compounder , "
Holmes sounded pleased.
" Arre sahib, we are great at this , our third degree methods ensure that we can force a deer to confess to the murder of a lion ," the detective boasted .
Holmes could not see the reason for continuing any longer , but wishfully pressed on , "But what if the deer , oops... ,the person retracts his confession in court."
" Who is bothered about conviction , we simply want to close the file and move on to a new case . And furthermore , who gets convicted anyway . Nithari , Telgi, Kidney scam , you see the cases drag on and by the time the persons are convicted , apparently they have already served the sentence . And then there are the higher courts . So why bother!" , went on the detective .
" Exactly , why bother ," said Dr. Watson , " people get killed , children still go missing in U.P in large numbers , human organs are still up for sale , a child gets killed , her character is being muddied by ignorant fools who talk of honour killing , prestige . Banal theories are being floated around , purely for the consumption of TV channels , who in turn can also not be blamed , since the general public loves the voyuerism and hence the TRP. Courts convict criminals after ages and that too because the concerned families of the victims do not give up. You are right my friend , WHY BOTHER!!"
Sherlock Holmes for the first time in his carrier decided that this case was beyond his professional abilities , since none were required for , and that enough was enough, and walked out of the room .
There stood the brave warriors from the media , and their questions, " So Mr. Holmes , was Arushi killed by her father?", " Was she also having an affair with the compounder? ", " Do you know where the weapon is hidden, are you going to search in the water tank?", " Mr. Holmes, do you watch Hindi movies?".
Head bent , Holmes walked away , without uttering a word. While waiting at the airport , for the flight back home , he watched his detective friend talking to the media channels on the TV , " Mr. Holmes has concurred with our theory on the murder and has approved of our detection techniques . You guys unneccessarily want foreign help for everything ."
Holmes looked at Dr. Watson and said," Elementary , wasn't it Watson ?".


ON THE CONTRARY , WATSON , YOU CAN SEE EVERYTHING . YOU FAIL , HOWEVER TO REASON FROM WHAT YOU SEE . YOU ARE TOO TIMID IN DRAWING YOUR INFERENCES. -----SHERLOCK HOLMES .

MANORANJAN KA BAAP III- THE FINALE

“ He is the Moses of the game who has shown the path to blazing success.”-----Ravi Shastri speaking about Lalit Modi .
On my daily visit to the temple , this morning , I was surprised to find a voice conversing with somebody inside the temple . Peeping inside to enquire about the identity of the person , since there are very few people in the temple at dawn , my surprise turned to shock when I saw Moses , oops , Lalit Modi conversing with God .
The conversation went somewhat like this :
Lalit Modi to God: “ Khush to bahoot hoge aaj . Main ha main, jisne aaj tak kisi se kuch nahi maanga , aaj tumhare samne khada hoon . Woh kal ka baccha Stanford , jise koi nahi jaanta tha West Indies ke bahar , aaj Manoranjan ka dada (Grandfather) ho gaya . Main Manoranjan ka baap is nowhere . Khush to bahoot hoge aaj ………
Not knowing how to make head and tail of the conversation , I followed Lalit Modi outside the temple , and asked him “ Commissioner sahib ( I call him that only , I think he feels good about it ) , is everything alright ?”
Modi looked at me in disgust and said “ Don’t you know what Stanford has done ?”
Since I have failed to qualify for Paanchvi Pass , you can imagine my I.Q and General Awareness , but I did not want to appear my true self before Moses , I bluffed , “ Yes indeed , what a pity!!”
Believing that Stanford university had invented something or laid claim for patent on the cheerleaders , which had infuriated Lalit Modi , I went back and surfed the net for the latest on Stanford .
Very soon this ‘Paanchvi fail’ realized that Sir Allen Stanford , who is the chairman of Stanford financial group , is also into wealth management , real estate , insurance and it appears every money making machine under the Sun , had lauched a 20/20 tournament between The English XI and a Super Star XI . The Super Star XI will be composed of players from the Carribean and believe it or not , The Winner gets 10 million pounds in prize money . This Stanford fellow landed in a helicopter on the hallowed turf of Lord’s and brought along the entire prize money in a chest , as if to assure everybody that he was not bluffing . The players composing the winning XI will get 1 million pounds individually , one million pounds will be distributed among the players on the bench, the support staff will get one million pounds and the remaining 7 million pounds will be distributed between the English and the West Indian Cricket boards . Furthermore , the losing side will not get anything …….. yes ,NOTHING !!
Then it hit me …..
The Americans , as I had feared for long are out to get India . Like the spurned lover , they are out to get us because we have not acceded to the Nuclear Deal . First that President of theirs , that small Bush says that the food crisis in the world is because of us Indians ( Arre baba , we toh only eat McDonalds Burgers , and the poor still die of starvation ) , the Energy crisis is also because of us Indians. They have even issued advisories to their tourists to avoid Mumbai during monsoon , lest they fall into open manholes .

Cowards of the first order , I tell you , scared of falling into manholes , when we have been doing it for ages , nonchalantly . Kids in our country fall into borewells and become richer once they come out , and these Americans ……they want to catch bin Laden ……. Now when Moses Modi innovates something and employs American cheerleaders to entertain our cricket lovers ( I call it the revenge of the Indians , Americans dancing to our tunes , rather than the other way round) , here comes the Stanford fellow , and spoils everything .
These Americans , they have no respect or love for cricket , but like true Imperialists , they want to buy everything . Cricket , I tell you is a game of Gentleman ( what if Harbhajan slaps Sreesanth) and tradition (in which game else do you find so much time to sledge! ) and people play it for honour rather than money (IPL notwithstanding) .
Arre Baba , I tell you , what are Americans ……got no culture , no respect for women , no respect for elders …….bus money , money , money . Look at us and our traditions .
And no sir , I will not discuss the contemporary Indian tradition of ‘Honour killings’, ‘Female foeticide’, ‘the fact that the Govt .has to introduce law to enforce care for elderly parents’.
Anyway , let’s get back to Cricket . Cricket ! What Cricket ? I thought we were discussing 20/20 .
Oops….I forgot 20/20 also pertains to cricket , although with the IPL jamboree alongwith cheerleaders , players fighting with each other, Preity (pun intended ) heroines , Liquor bottles in pavilions , we simply forgot .
Speaking of liquor bottles , I take this opportunity to bow down in reverence to Ness Wadia , the scion of Bombay Dyeing ( how appropriate , with Raj T. around) and incidentally the owner of the Punjab King’s XI , who called the SSP (Senior Supdt. Of Police ) of Mohali , “ A small and a mean Man”.
Apparently the Punjab Police personnel were stealing T shirts and liquor bottles from the pavilion and Wadia and the SSP got into an argument . The same Punjab Police was once headed by one K.P.S . Gill and wiped out the terrorists from the state without any questions being raised . How the mighty have fallen !!!! Bravo , Bravo, Mr. Wadia …..what is an SSP anyway in front of you ? One who has merely qualified the exam considered to be amongst the toughest in the world (Civil Services) , earns in a month ( at least the salary) what you earn in probably in an hour , surely does not have a girlfriend as Preity ( pun again intended) as yours , and is merely a symbol of the Sarkar ( not Amitabh) . I am sure you keep the Sarkar and its Sarkar Raj , in your pocket . You , the one who is a great grandson of the Great Mohd. Ali Jinnah , the one who has the blood of a nation builder ( or destroyer , depending on how you look at it) , in his veins and a mere ‘ small and mean policewalah , dares to argue with you . I would have wished to be around if you had said the same thing to that man KPS Gill . Boy … it would have been fun .
But , since I am also a small and mean man , and am also a bit thick in the head , I just seek a clarification from Mr. Wadia , if his royal highness does not feel offended . Benevolent Sir , could you please let me know the reasons behind Liquor Bottles in the Pavilion ???

Maybe it is the tradition of Cricket ………..On second thought , maybe this was the reason for Bhajji slapping Sree . The bugger , belongs to Kerala is playing for Punjab and having fun , and here he was , a thoroughbred Punjabi stuck with this stingy Marathi Manoos . His owner Mukesh Ambani needed all the money for the dream home he is building and his captain Sachin has recently brought a mansion for 39 crores only , which he will be Demolishing , to build a new home . Expecting both of them to spare anything for Bhajji , was like expecting an Eskimo to buy a refrigerator .
Speaking of Sachin , the poor guy is exhausted of playing 3-4 matches in IPL and is not playing for the country at the ongoing tournament in Bangladesh .
Arre Baba , Bacche ki jaan loge kya ? What if he did not play in the test matches against South Africa , before IPL . He was unfit , yaar . He played 3,4 matches in IPL and has subsequently become ‘ unfit’ . What if he looked completely fit while playing in IPL ? I will not respond your snide remarks about him selecting to play in matches he wishes to .
You nasty people , Sachin has just brought a 39 crore mansion , Inflation is touching 8.7% , Petroleum prices have been hiked and all you want is , Sachin to Play!! Does he not have a family to look after , Merc and numerous other fuel guzzlers which require fuel ………….If he starts playing , who will do all the Ad shoots , Baba !!! As it is , this Dhoni guy is creating problems . No , Not with the team yaar , there he is no comparison , but in the modelling assignments . Wonder where he gets all the time to shoot , doesn’t he have to practice to play cricket !!
I must tell you about the fate of this guy , Rahul Dravid , who used to practice cricket all the time , used to think of cricket all the time . I heard somewhere that his dining table was designed like a cricket pitch , so that he could focus on cricket all the time. He restricted his practice of Ad shoots , talked of commitment , sincerity , integrity , read up on famous books , biographies .
Result ::::His skewed priorities ensured that The great Vijay Mallya ( one of my favourites) is teaching him the technique to build a team , In Public!!! The selectors have thrown him out of the limited overs team and I am sure , he will lose his spot in the test squad also, very soon. . Serves the guy right! Who asked him to be goody-goody , sincere , become the wicket keeper so that the team got the balance right , who asked him to open the innings when everybody , including the great one , ran away . Who asked this Rahul fellow to stand up against hostile fast bowlers when the smart ones simply surrendered and walked away for the Ad shoot . I give a damn (apparently even the selectors do ) to his statistics in matches away from home , in matches India had won ……..God has a way of ensuring that these guys get their desserts .

Desserts ………. Yes , the Stanford fellow ( I think he belongs to CIA) will get his desserts . He and his agency are no match for the ingenuity of our brilliant commissioner Lalit Modi . Modi has now introduced the concept of ‘Bartering’ in the IPL . Yessss, sir , ‘bartering’ , you know , like in olden times when you did not need money to procure something . You simply exchanged items . Confused!!
Let me illustrate , for example , if Kolkata want Gibbs from Hyderabad (not for match fixing , you fools..) , they can offer any other player from their team, ( obviously not the best , that they keep for themselves) , say the guy from Mizoram , who never played a match . If Hyderabad accept ( wonder why ) , the exchange is made , without money being involved.
What brilliance ! In these times of inflation and stuff , one of the theories being floated for the high rate of inflation , is the excess money in circulation in the market ( Don’t ask me ,I have not seen it ) . So with the barter in place we kill three birds with one stone . You get the player you want , dispose the one you dislike and most importantly , curtail inflation . Not for nothing are the Marwaris known for their business acumen .
What say , Sir Stanford , when you guys are scared of falling into manholes , how do you tackle this genius . You CIA guys , better stick to catching Laden , that might be easier .
Reportedly , Vijay Mallya has jumped on to the bartering idea . He wants to exchange Rahul Dravid . The worst part is that he does not want any player in exchange !! Shahrukh has also warmed upto the idea , but the Paanchvi Fail he also is, he wants to exchange any of his players for Preity Zinta , since he wants all the star power in his team . The fool , does not know that the scheme is for players only . Fools you are , with Shahrukh anything is possible . Ever heard a ban on a player being lifted for a month so that he can play for a team , the ban gets imposed when the tournament is over . Happened with Shoaib , didn’t it ? Banned for five or was it two years , his ban was kept in abeyance for one month , so that he could play for Shahrukh’s team . My sources tell me that even Ben Johnson has approached Shahrukh to get his life ban for steroid use, uplifted .

Anyway , the IPL is over , Dravid is practicing his footwork against spinners , Sachin is shooting for Ads and speaking to interior decorators , Shoaib is back to being banned , Preity is back for her shootings (Thank God) , Bhajji is brushing up on his vocabulary (speaking Monkey in Swahiili) and last but not the least Ekta Kapoor is back .

A COMRADE'S DIARY

This morning , while visiting the flea market , I managed to get my hands on the diary of a comrade . Though it is unethical to read a personal diary , I thought that I would share the contents of the diary in this writeup . I must inform all you useless people that the diary is reproduced ad-verbatim , and since Comrades are found mostly in West Bengal , I have only translated the parts written in Bengali . Therefore , I bear no responsibility towards the contents . Any grievance or appreciation be directed towards our dear comrade .
The relevant excerpts are reproduced hereunder :

JUNE 5 , 2008:
The bandh called to protest against the price hike in the petroleum products has been successful . This time our senior comrades have gone further and called bandh for a week , alongwith a call for its forcible implementation . Arre baba , we are such loving and caring people that people support our movements spontaneously , Na Korle Jabe Kothay , Pa Gulo Bhengey Debo ( we will break their legs if they don't) . We have developed the imposition of bandh into an art . Anybody trying to venture out on a bandh day , is taught the ART OF DYING . How dare they defy our call for protecting the interests of the poor . I still cannot stop myself from laughing when I remember the bandh called by our sister organisation CITU , a few years back . We caught hold of a few people while they were about to enter the international airport , to board a flight . There were a few women and children also , Ar Oder Chool Dhore Ja Tanlam ( dragged them by their hair ) . The way they were begging before us for forgiveness . Serves them right , doesn't it , for abandoning the poor and running away . The next day my photograph appeared in the newspapers , dragging a lady by her hair . I have gotten the photograph framed and it is hung inside my house . I was made the Gen. Secy. Of my local area committee after this brave incident . Somebody tell the senior comrades that why forcible implementation , when we can do so by love and affection only .
The media people keep on harping that the poor suffer the maximum during the bandhs as they cannot venture outside and earn a living . The media is full of middle class people , I tell you ! History is witness to the fact that revolutions are built on the dead bodies of the poor only . Look at the Russian Revolution . Did not hundreds and thousands of poor die during the revolution . But the result was there for all to see . Did our appartchiks not become the noveau rich , after all the blood had flown from the poor . This is the problem with the Indian poor , only thinking about the next meal .
That Bantoo Ghosh was saying that why doesn't the communist party withdraw support from the govt. for its anti-people policies and why does it fight with the Congress in West Bengal and Kerala and support them at the centre . He went on to say that there must be some magic in the P.M's tea since our comrades get pacified after meeting the P.M over a cup of tea . These anti revolutionaries are such a pain in the back . The Bantoo fellow will always drive a rickshaw in his life, I tell you . What does he know of politics anyway , he is not affected by rise in petroleum prices since he pulls a rickshaw , does not require petrol/ diesel , hardly earns anything , so does not need L.P.G. to cook food. He is saying that other goods like edibles will also get costly . FOOD……FOOD…. is that all they think about !! Here I am sitting in the latest Mc Donald's joint in Kolkata , thinking about revolution and the poor , without any care for inflation and stuff . Saala , Kaar Sahos Je Aamake Bill Debe ( who will dare to bill me ) . Unless and until the poor stop thinking of Food , their fate will not improve . There is so much in life to think about , people's revolution , egalitarian society , fighting the communal forces , and all they care about is FOOD!!!
Somebody told me that the actual cost of petrol is Rs. 22 only and the rest are taxes , and why doesn't the Govt. rationalise the taxes . Eder Ki Bolbo ( What do I tell them ) , this middle class does not want to pay taxes . Arre , if you do not pay taxes , how will our leaders go abroad ( to Cuba , ofcourse ) , how will we arrange a public reception for Hugo Chavez ( President of Venezuela ) . You people do not know that Venezuela is the IInd highest supplier of petroleum products to U.S.A . So you see, they can kill the great satan anyday they wish to .
Just hang on for a second , dear diary , let me attend to the call my son has made from U.S.A ., he is Green Card holder , you see . No , No , he did not study in Cuba or Venezuela , but studied in Iowa University .
Bantoo ( the Rickshawallah ) was telling me that why doesn't Chavez supply us petrol at a cheap rate , if he is such a good friend .
I told you na , these poor people , they do not understand market economics . Arre , why should he sell it to us at a cheap rate , if he can sell it at twice the rate to the great satan . Is a comrade not entitled to think of profit?
Talking of market economics , who better than our beloved Buddha babu to help us understand the concept . Have you seen the remarkable transition he has made to our policies , remember the one about a stateless and classless society and abolition of private property. After all we were the first to implement land reforms in the country , post Independence . The land was distributed amongst the poor , but the poor, the way they are, started resisting when we wanted the land back in Nandigram . After all , they say , they need the land for agricultural purposes and have refused to hand the land back to us for the purpose of SEZ . We again come back to the same logic of FOOD . Arre baba , how much food will you grow and consume . If you let us build SEZ , we will employ one person from each family in the factories . The employment will help you in buying food from the open market and you will also be empowered to buy Motorcycles , TV, Pepsi and stuff . Here we are on the verge of giving you so much and you insist on land . We have even ensured that the wonder car NANO is being built in West Bengal , at Singur . Taught the farmers in Singur a lesson they will not forget in a hurry . Now they are selling their land and will buy NANO with the money they get in compensation . But you Nandigram people are so selfish , Tomader Sudhu Zami Chayi ( you only want land).
These Nandigram people are so lucky that State Govt. is not permitted to have tanks , otherwise we would have shown them , the way our Chinese dadas did at Tianammen . Ungrateful wretches .
Dear diary , I must cofide in you . I have been given the charge of mobilising 500 cadres to go to Maharashtra to oppose the SEZ they are building there . Ki Bhabe , Ora Gorib Manoosher Zamin Nite Paare ( Do they think that they can take over the land of the poor people ).
I have just heard the news that the Trinamool Congress has called for a bandh tomorrow , to protest against the fuel price hike . These bourgeois think that they can get away with anything . Gorib Manoosh Kaaj Na Korle Khaabe Ki ( What will the poor man eat , if he is not allowed to work on a bandh day!). They have no consideration for the losses suffered throughout the state due to a bandh day . We will oppose the bandh with all our might . Dekhi Ke Dokan Ar Office Bandh Korate Paare ( we will see who can get the shops and offices closed ) .
KORBE LORBE JEETBO RE ( WILL DO , WILL FIGHT , WILL WIN)
POOR OF THE WORLD UNITE .

MAY 10, 2008
This governor Gopal Krishna Gandhi , who does he think he is ?
Mahatma Gandhier naati hole ki ? ( What that he is Mahatma Gandhi's grandson). He has decided that he will switch off the electricity at the Raj Bhawan for and hour every evening , to show solidarity with the common people in the city who are facing unscheduled power cuts . This business of empathising is ours, , how dare he usurp our role ? Our General Secy . Shyamal Chakravorti has put him in place , by saying that the Governor should eat once in a day , to empathise with the hungry , walk to programmes to save petrol etc. Daroon Boleche (brilliantly said) , HA HA .......
Arre this man is lucky . He should have consulted Dharamvir , the Governor in the late 1960' s , who was spat upon by our MLA's in the assembly . If Gandhi was posted as Governor in U.P. , he would never have tried to show his feelings by switching of electricity . Mayawati would have ensured that the lights never came back to his residence .
From the day he has come in , he is trying to teach us Gandhigiri . Imagine empathising with Taslima Nasrin, expressing sympathy with the people in Nandigram , calling for a debate on SEZ . Arre baba , what is there to debate !!! SEZ will be supported in West Bengal and Kerala , and opposed elsewhere . SIMPLE.... We have to protect the poor and oppressed elsewhere , whereas we already protect them in these two states . We have protected them like a specie on the verge of extinction . They have not been allowed to improve their standard of life , one wee bit .

This Gandhi fellow is quite like his Dadu (grandfather) . Prolific writer , has even reduced his security detail to a couple of cars . I cannot imagine anybody with only a couple of cars for security . Jyoti babu had 10 cars in his fleet and even Buddha babu , who started with two cars , is now protected by a large security detail . Threat from our ideological cousins , the Maoists , you see.
These Maoist fellows also claim to be fighting for the poor . I am completely confused ! How many people will fight for the poor and then fight amongst themselves , claiming to be the true representative of the poor . The poor remain poor but their representatives keep getting richer . This is the fun of poverty in our country .

MARCH 5, 2008.

Today , that badmash (rogue) Taslima Nasrin , has finally left the country . Baba , what a pain she had become . Our senior comrades gave shelter to her in Kolkata because we are so liberal and respect women .

But we have to look after our vote bank also . For years we have let in our brethrens from Bangladesh , unfettered into the country , provided them Ration cards , Voter I cards , everything a genuine citizen requires . So much so , the demography has completely changed in places bordering Bangladesh . But at least these people vote for us .

And this lady keeps on harping on women's rights in Islam and similar stuff .

Our Bangladeshi friends despise her and resorted to violence last year .

Dekho Kotha Bola Aalada ( Look it is a different thing to speak ) , but we cannot lose our assiduously built vote bank . We ensured that our firebrands Brinda Karat , Arundhati Roy , Shabana Azmi , did not utter a word in her favour and we subsequently forced her out of the city by simply refusing to protect the lady . What could she do , apart from runing away . Since she was not willing to stay anywhere else in India , apart from Kolkata , and we refused to let her in , what option did she have ?

It is our duty to absorb and protect millions of immigrants , but why should we bother about a lady . It is a democracy after all ::One against a million .

Tommorow Shabana Azmi is coming to the city , to participate in the seminar on Justice for women in Nigeria . I will be going there , after all women are our mothers and sisters .

I am going to sleep , dear diary.

LAL SALAAM.

THE END

UNDER CAPITALISM , MAN EXPLOITS MAN . UNDER COMMUNISM IT IS JUST THE OPPOSITE -----JOHN KENNETH GALBRAITH