MAHABHARATA

One of the earliest ambitions in life was to play Hockey for India and win an Olympic gold. But since I did not have the resources to pay the ‘Service Tax’ to the likes of Jyotikumaran aka J. K. (kindly refer to the write up CHAK DE, if in doubt), I shifted my vision to being a world class athlete , but an ability to get tired after jogging for 100 meters stood me in good stead and there went my ambition. Since then I have wanted to become a politician , but the eligibility criteria of a few murders and dacoity etc. has disqualified me , a movie hero, but since my Father refused to sponsor my debut movie (which Sunil Shetty’s father did not ) , my silver screen ambitions turned to ash.

Then it struck me , I could become a movie Director ( the pervert That I am , the casting couch was an added incentive ) .Since my resources were meagre and my father was still not willing to sponsor me , script, actors and stuff became a problem . I had to look out for something which was ready to serve and needed the least of investment and since I was terrified of horror movies , my options of making a movie without a script were thin. But to my rescue came a script which was ready made and had been a hit for thousands of years …….Yes, I am talking of THE MAHABHARATA. The added incentive was that I did not need a dialogue writer as I could easily plagiarize dialogues from the T.V serials . And no smirking please , haven’t Anu Malik and Bappi da doing it for years.

Then I got down to casting ,since my acting abilities and directorial vision was nil (the same as the director of Tashan) ,I had to look out for actors / people , who were living the roles in our social milieu . In that way I do not have to direct and they do not need to act. Clever isn’t it !

The following is the cast I have decided upon . My apologies to any deserving candidate left out , but these guys deserved it more in my opinion. Any other suggestion would be most welcome . So here goes………..

1. BHISHMA PITAMAH

And the role goes to ATAL BIHARI VAJPAYEE . The resemblance is uncanny . Both remained bachelors for the sake of dedicating their lives to their nations. And the result is familiar . Bhisma got a bed of arrows from his favorite Arjuna , the hypocrisy of Arjuna in making a pillow of arrows for ‘comfort’, water being brought out through an arrow is amazing. He passed his final days in solitude watching his inheritors destroy his legacy before his eyes . Need anything more be said, if you need any confirmation watch the BJ.P. leaders go at each other. And they call themselves the ‘Next Gen’. The hypocricy of the felicitations on his Birthday ( the only day he is remembered by his ‘Next Gen’) is amazing.

2. DHRITARASHTRA

Who else but Manmohan Singh. While prices are on fire like never before , and instead of taking it head on , the man has the gall to accuse the opposition of ‘ Scare Mongering’ (by the way my favorite ….Inflation has reached 7.57% this past week and Sachin is on the verge of retirement and has two more ads in his kitty). Scare mongering indeed . Sir, if there is any scare , it is on the face of the common man when he goes to the market. Even Nero has a very tough competition.

3. GANDHARI

The one who put on the handkerchief on her eyes. Never made serious efforts to stop her son and even went to the extent of giving him a boon of a body so strong that nothing could break it.

My choice for the role is the Indian electorate. We watch the politicians loot the country , run amok , waste public money and come the General elections , again vote the same lot to power on the basis of caste , muscle power and stuff. Let alone a voice of protest, we grant them unbridled power for the next 5 years and then cry.

4. DRONACHARYA

Who else but Karunanidhi. A man of letters, has limited ambition of being a C.M for 7 terms and never yearns for anything more. But the only problem is that he might seek Arjuna’s thumb instead of Eklavya’s , apparently for the sake of' social justice'. After all Arjuna supposedly belongs to the so called upper caste.

5. YUDHISTIRA

Surprise!! Manmohan Singh in double role. Like the Pandava prince, a man of rare intellect and honesty but never being to implement it and always looking towards others for guidance and help. In a Nutshell, a very weak personality. Now, I am not going to say who the ‘others’ in this case are. I am trying to make a movie and cannot afford controversy, you see, but…………HA HA

6.BHIMA

My choice is RATAN TATA. Acquiring Corus, Tetley , Jaguar, Land Rover and last but not the least, the concept of Nano. The man is flexing his muscles like no Indian before. It is like India hitting back at the Empire. What say???

7. DURYODHANA

His lust for the throne destroyed a nation and I could not find anybody better than Arjuna Singh for the part. Anyway with Manmohan as Yudhistira he fits in to a T. Syophancy, Sachar committee, Reservation……the list is endless. Appears to believe in Ends justifying the means. Country be damned, just annoint me the King.

8. DUSHSHASHANA

RAJ THACKREY. The ease with which he is disrobing the fabric of one nation, cultural unity and peace would be the envy of any Dushshashana. The recklessness he displays would shame all the Kauravas put together.

9. KARNA

Warrior par excellence, benevolent, wisdom aplenty and last but not the least, an epitome of loyalty. But alas poor company! But even his extreme loyalty to them was admirable. The one you would like next to you in a trench during war.

I cast Amitabh Bachchan as Karna . Is Amar Singh listening…… 10. DRAUPADI

The Draupadi of that era had to contend with only one Dushshashana , but Draupadi in this age has to contend with Dushshashana in the form of Corruption, Terrorism, Naxalism , Indifferent attitude of the common man towards the nation , Apathy.........the list is endless .Worse of all there is no Bhima to seek revenge, no Krishna to protect her honour and no Arjuna to raise his Gandiva in her defence.

I therefore cast MOTHER INDIA as Draupadi (not Nargis , you Idiots but BHARAT MATA) . What say mates!

I must admit that my first choice for the role was none other than Mallika Sherawat ( for the oomph factor ,of course) .But then realization dawned that she will take of her clothes before Dushshashana makes a move and Krishna might be politely asked to leave ,when he makes an entry to save her modesty.

11. ABHIMANYU.

] The 14 year old son of Arjuna who was surrounded by 9 Maharathis and killed ,when he could have very well stayed away from battle.

I cast the young officers of the Indian Army. When the fools can easily get into the I.I.T’s and I.I.M’s with the amount of effort they make and earn millions , they join the Army to protect the nation ,get themselves killed, so that these yuppies can earn their millions and idiots like me can write these pieces.

12. YUYUTSU

Perhaps the least known of Mahabharata characters, he switched sides in the battle field and joined the Pandavas ,on the clarion call of Yudhistira. And all this inspite of being Duryodhana’s brother.

In these changed times when such ‘ calls of conscious’ is extinct, I cast the fence sitting Indian Politician on the eve of any Election. The felicity with which they switch allegiances is remarkable.

13 SHAKUNI

In my opinion , the real author of this epic .Prince of Gandhar (now in Pakistan), his sole ambition was to destroy the kingdom of Hastinapur. Used any means to succeed in his ambition and Boy!!! did he succeed....

I cast the Communists , represented by Prakash Karat in this role. Whether be the opposition of the Quit India movement ,calling Netaji Subhash Chandra Bose "Tojo's dog ", Supporting the Chinese invasion of 1962 , threatening the Govt. on a daily basis with regards to withdrawal of support , (have you ever noticed the cut outs at their rallies....LENIN, STALIN ,MAO etc. but not one Indian face ), their deceit is amazing . Apparently , they represent the poor ,but only succeed in making them poorer (sample West Bengal). Any takers..............

KRISHNA and ARJUNA

The fulcrum of Mahabharata. The Teacher and the Student. The epitome of Guru- Shishya parampara. One willing to spread wisdom and knowledge , the other willing to absorb it. Both protectors of truth and the oppressed. The student in my opinion is always greater than the Teacher, since he is willing to acknowledge his ignorance and therefore learn . In these days friends, even if you somehow find such a Teacher , the possibility of finding such a student is.....NIL.

Therefore, I am unable to cast anybody in these two roles……………………

Since you cannot make Mahabharata without Krishna and Arjuna , there goes another one of my dreams.

But do not worry , the fighter that I am , I will not give up on the dream of becoming a Director (after all the incentive is huge ) , and so Ekta Kapoor, here I come with my magnum opus, ‘Bahoo Bhi Kabhi Saas Banegi.’

Castings open. Females who can cry buckets without the use of glycerine, own dozens of gaudy sarees and only bitch around need apply. After all we are constrained on the Budget front.