KAHAANI G-G KI

Many years ago, the forests of 'Secularland' were ruled over by the shrewd White tribe who had entered the forest ostensibly to deal in animal droppings and forest produce, but had slowly played the local tribals, who were not united anyway, against each other and had finally taken over Secularland.

The 'White' tribals exploited the resources of 'Secularland' to their own advantage for a very long period of time. Finally the tribals of 'Secularland' became exasperated of the 'White' tribe as these people would not even let the locals eat fresh fruit, which was meant to be transported to the 'White forest' for commercial utilisation. The local tribals were not permitted to keep weapons to protect themselves from the wild animals inhabiting the forest, let alone keep weapons for hunting. Finally some of the intelligent local tribals who had slowly graduated to know the system of the 'White' tribals by learning their strange language, began to revolt against the oppressive system of the 'Whites'.

One such local tribal leader was PanditG who had even travelled to the far-off 'White' forest to learn their customs and was now more off a 'White' than the 'Whites' themselves. PanditG was extremely popular amongst the people of 'Secularland' who looked at him in awe, for finally one of them had become one of the 'Whites'.

But not for nothing were the 'Whites' known as master tacticians. Sensing that they would not be able to keep their hold over 'Secularland' for long, they ensured that the fruits of the forest were inequitably distributed amongst the locals. Not only were the fruits inequitably distributed, but the 'Whites' ensured that it was also visible to the people to increase their insecurity. It was as if the 'Whites' were seeking vengeance for the resistance to their rule, “if we don’t get to eat the fruits, we will see to it that even you don’t get it,” seemed to be their objective.

The locals were so desperate to ensure the departure of the 'Whites' that they even agreed to partition off their forest into ‘Secularland’ and ‘Jihadiland’ without even bothering to give its implications any thought. Since this story is restricted to PanditG and his family, we will talk about the great 'Jihadiland' some other time.

The question of the leader of ‘Secularland’ was decided upon not by the local tribals, as was the wont, and decided upon procedure for electing leaders in 'Secularland', but bySantJi, who was so revered by the people that none could say ‘nay’ to his directions. SantJi subtly ensured that the people’s choice themselves proposed the name of PanditG as their leader. This system continues to date in 'Secularland' where leaders nominated by ‘voice of conscience’ continue to rule the roost.

PanditG however was not a bad ‘nomination’ as a leader. He tried his best to revive the failing forests of ‘Secularland’ with his ideas. His advisors devised the ‘Five year plans’ for the economics of the forest. That nobody, not even its inventors understood the ‘Five Year Plans’ was nothing but a trivial aside. But the biggest contribution of PanditG was the introduction of his daughter BetiG to the public life of 'Secularland'. Friends and foes alike thought as BetiG as a ‘Goongi Gudiya’(Dumb Doll) and were very happy to see her as a successor to PanditG when he passed away. Since the ‘voice of conscience’ prevailed over the ‘voice of the people’, the succession was preordained.

Some ‘goongi gudiya’ BetiG turned out to be. Her autocratic and authoritarian disposition soon ensured that the entire tribals of 'Secularland' was prohibited from speaking, soon after her coronation. The old foggies who were smirking at her lack of ability to speak and looked at her as a puppet, soon realized that safety lay in keeping silent before her. The signboard ‘SPEAKING IS INJURIOUS TO HEALTH’ was put up on important trees in the forest.

BetiG had two sons, BadeG and ChoteG, who were subsequently married to BadiG and ChotiG. BadiG belonged to the clan of the Whites whereas ChotiG who had grown up among the animals was the leader of the animals. A female Tarzan, if you please. As per convention of 'Secularland', BadiG and ChotiG were constantly at each others throats. BetiG had an affinity for BadiG and usually sided with her, but could go no further because of the fear of ChoteG, who had built up a nasty reputation for himself as the male Tarzan. No Jane was safe with ChoteG or Tazan around. But what to say of Jane’s, nobody, not even BetiG was safe with ChoteG around.

ChoteG had also picked up the mannerisms of Tarzan in swinging from tree to tree, while hanging on to a vine. One day, the inevitable happened! The vine snapped! ChoteG was no more.

Sensing an opportunity, BadiG cuddled upto BetiG and in no time ensued that ChotiG was thrown out off the tree house of BetiG. As customary, ChotiG swore vengeance. BadiG also cajoled BetiG to anoint BadeG as her successor. BadeG, who was far removed from the politics of 'Secularland', was a reluctant entrant initially. But seeing the fruits of 'Secularland', soon fell to the saying, ‘Power corrupts, absolute power corrupts absolutely’.

BetiG also believed in the idiom of ‘divide and rule’ which was the initial policy of the 'Whites'. Obviously, she had learnt her lessons well. In one of the outer regions of ‘Secularland’ which was inhabitated by SardarJi’s who were hostile to her, she encouraged the growth of another group of wild people in order to subdue her opponents. Since the story of Frankenstein had not been written by then, and BetiG had not time for local legends like Bhasmasura, the Junglees were let loose.

The result: Does it need to be told?????

BadeG: “While a big tree like this falls, the earth is bound to shake!”

Shake Secularland did. For days SardarJi’s were slaughtered in the forest, while BadeG stood by ………silently!

This tree falling and earth shaking plea later on became the war cry of all tribal leaders, out to settle scores with their opponents. 'Secularland' has not stopped shaking ever since.

BadeG however became the unopposed leader of 'Secularland'. A man of forward looking ideas, he tried to take the forest forward. But like bad habits reappearing at the wrong time, another White Trader, Kya Karoon Chi (name changed to protect identity) appeared out of the blue. The rest well….. the buying of flame throwers…..the pact with another group of Junglees in a neighbouring forest……..

The History of the demise of BetiG, was unfortunately repeated.

History is a strange subject, as it has a habit of repeating itself the moment you forget it. Apparently, BadeG had a poor memory.

Now the war was out in the open.

BadiG who hardly ever spoke and was a proponent of the theory of ‘you let people think you are a fool by staying silent, rather than open your mouth and confirm it’, slowly gained ground. In true Machiavellian style, she was preparing the ground for the takeover of the throne by her son YuvraajG, by anointing a true follower to warm the throne for YuvraajG. The opponents were fighting amongst themselves, anyway. The only threat came from within the followers which had been negated by the succession by the Sidha Sadha Ji, who stayed within his limits while ruling over 'Secularland'.

The first thing YuvraajG started in preparation for the coronation was to walk with his hands clasped together behind his ‘back’ in the manner the 'White' royalty did. Reading History or economics was for the asses of the forest, you see!

BadiG’s daughter RajkumariG who always walked with her hand on YuvrajG’ s shoulder was initially thought as natural successor of BadeG , but had been sidelined by BadiG due to reaons nobody could fathom, was married to a person who was apparently a trader by profession, but nobody knew what he traded in to maintain his high profile life. BadiG’s son-in-law, ‘Nobody knows what he does for a livinG’ was also exempted from the compulsory security frisking while entering or leaving the forest, something which was compulsory even for the ‘Senapatis’ of 'Secularland'. So much so for equality, but then being a G has its perks, does’nt it?

Meanwhile, ChotiG, who had been sidelined after she was thrown off the tree house, was also making her comeback by collecting the animals and fighting for their rights, rights which even the people in 'Secularland' did not have. ChotiG was the predecessor of J.K.Rowling in the manner she scared children , ‘you will loose your eyesight if you drink Cow’s milk’, ‘rhinos are injected with death inducing medicine to obtain……’. Even the animals were scared off her stories.

ChubbyG, the son of ChotiG started off as a poet (nobody understood his poetry, but the people were Junglees, anyway) and then true to family tradition, entered politics. Nobody could ask of his qualifications for becoming a politician, but then being a G was ample qualification anyway.

The two G’s Badi and Choti were still constantly at each other’s throats. ChotiG was confirmed that she could never become the QueenG , which had been appropriated by BadiG, but she could anyway make life uncomfortable for her.

But then it happened.

ChubbyG who apparently had inherited the Tarzan instincts, suddenly started talking about cutting people’s hands and something more.

The chance had been lost…..

YuvraajG went to town about family traditions and upbringing, conveniently forgetting about ‘the earth shaking’ and the ‘mindless slaughter’. RaajkumariG spoke of ‘getting ChubbyG to read religious scriptures’. Not many were sure as to whether she had read it herself, but then in 'Secularland', you could not raise questions to the G family.

You could not ask why the inalienable right to rule? You could not ask about the strife, the poverty, the rivers getting extinct? Nor about the exodus of the meritorious from the forest in search of a fair opportunity. You could not ask about YuvraajG getting admission in a high profile Gurukul, not because of his academics but because he was purportedly an ace archer, an activity nobody had ever seen him perform, before or after the admission.

All you could do was to sit back and watch the unending saga, the unending soap opera KAHANI G G KI. 'Secularland' be damned!!

Even Ekta Kapoor had to take a break.