SHERLOCK HOLMES AND THE INDIAN MYSTERY

WITH APOLOGIES TO SIR ARTHUR CONAN DOYLE

In order to bring an end to the Arushi Talwar investigation , the CBI decided to take the assistance of Scotland Yard , who on their part offered the services of Sherlock Holmes and his assistant Dr. Watson . The Indian authorities also depute an Indian Detective to assist Holmes .
The assistance of Sherlock Holmes was supposed to be a Confidential matter , since the political parties of all colours and hues might take it as an affront to Indian sovereignty .
True to the Indian tendency to keep a secret , nearly half of the country's media lands at the airport to greet Holmes on his arrival . Holmes is shocked beyond description , but the tenacious media people thrust their mikes and recorders into his face , hoping for a byte . Questions are put forward from all corners , " Mr. Holmes , how does it feel to be in India for the first time ?" , " Mr. Holmes , who killed Arushi and Hemraj?", " Mr. Holmes , who is your favorite Indian Cricketer ?" . Even poor Dr. Watson is not left alone , " Dr. Watson , will you be visiting the Taj Mahal ?".
Somehow , the authorities whisk away the duo , who true to their Professional approach , want to visit the site of the crime straightaway . The Indian detective is amused at this request . " Arre sahib , you have just come , first let's go to the hotel , rest-vest kijiye , have chicken-vicken . We will visit the place tomorrow ."
Holmes insists on visiting the crime site immediately, and being the personality he is , he prevails .
On arrival at the site of the crime , the same bunch of media personalities again accost the duo . Wizened by the experience of the airport , they proceed towards the house , accompanied by the media with the lights of their cameras flashing , triumphantly .
Holmes could hear voices in the background , " As you see Sherlock Holmes has just arrived at the crime site , and our sources in the police department tell us that the murderer will be exposed in a couple of hours." " Aapko bata de ki Arushi ka hatyara ab jyada der bach nahi sakta ." " Our sources tell us that Dr. Watson is a big fan of Indian food and has ordered Hyderabadi Biryani for dinner . "
The media personnel insist on entering the house along with Holmes and Watson , but Holmes puts his foot down and the local authorities comply , grumbling , " Saale samajhte kya hain , How can you investigate without the media around ? I had told my wife to watch me on TV tonight , but this Holmes fellow has spoilt everything ." The media people stage an impromptu dharna against denial of their rights and foreign conspiracy .
In the privacy of the house , Holmes who is thorough to the minutest detail , and had studied all there is to know about the case , asks the Indian detective , " So , tell me about the case right from the time you arrived after the murder . "
The detective , still glowing from the sound byte he had been able to offer to the media in the melee , replies , " Right after I got the news , I reached this place within half an hour and saw a few of media friends roaming outside the building and asked for directions ."
"Directions!!", Holmes is startled , " What do you mean directions ?"
"Arre sahib , how do I reach the place without directions , this is not your country where every beat constable knows the way around the entire area . We are such a big country and furthermore our people mostly keep a lookout at the Nukkad , as that is where the trucks pass through illegally and the Hafta has to be obtained . The truck drivers are such cheats , you see , they will never pay your share if you are not present there ."
" Anyway , I had to push my way into the house as the entrance was completely blocked by my media friends."
" At least the media guys had not entered the house and somebody had the common sense to keep them outside ", Holmes sighs.
" No , No sir , the only ones who remained outside where the ones who could not enter the due to the crowd of media personnel . Actually , I was shown the room where the murder took place by my friend from XYZ channel only ," the detective went on .
Dr. Watson , on hearing this , nearly fainted , even Holmes felt giddiness . " You really don't mean what you say . I mean you need to seal the area to look out for evidences , don't you ?" Holmes sounded irritated .
" Haan , that is what they say in the books ," The detective went on , " but we are a democracy sir , that is good for you whites , we have to look out for the aspirations of everybody ."
"Don't teach me about democracy young man " Holmes said , " I believe that nothing was tampered at the site and forensic evidence was neatly collected by the Professionals ."
" Yes sir , we are very competent people , even our media friends helped us out . My friend from XYZ channel ( who showed me the room ), gave me the items lying there, and he also switched on the computer in the room and showed me a few files stored in the computer ." " If you promise not to tell anybody , he accidentally deleted a few files ."
" Good heavens !" said Holmes , "don't you guys know that the basics of investigation are to preserve the site where the crime had been committed in exactly the state it had been found. Otherwise vital evidence is lost which proves crucial in deducing the crime."
" Anyway , how did you recover the body of the servant , whom you were suspecting in the first place ?" Holmes enquired .
" Arre sahib , what to tell you , there is this retired police fellow living in the neighbourhood ( always poking his nose into the affairs of others ) , who came over to offer his condolences , and saw blood stains leading to the roof . He insisted that the roof be opened and found the body there ." The detective added .
" Ok , fine , so what did you see on the roof ?" Holmes enquired .
The detective sounded sheepish , " Kya sahib , I was not even there , I saw the news of discovery of the body on the TV , and rushed there ." " My friend from XYZ channel with all the other channel guys did not let me get to the roof , until they had finished describing the bloodied handprints on the roof. A few were comparing sizes of the handprint with their hand size ."
" Good Lord, no wonder you guys do not catch anybody , be it the terrorists who roam free throughout your country , murderers or for that matter petty criminals ," Holmes went on .
The detective retorted immediately , " No sahib , in this case we did . The father is the murderer and we have arrested him ."
" Yes , I know about his arrest , but tell me , what evidence convinced you about the identity of the criminal , and please tell me , what is this honour killing you guys talk about ? " , Holmes enquired .
The detective was pleased as a punch , since he felt he had shut this firang for good. Clearing his throat , he went on , "Actually , the incident was described beautifully by our I.G. , Gurudarshan Singh in his press conference . The father was having an affair with a female colleague , which Arushi knew but did not like . She herself was close to her servant , Hemraj , and was caught in an objectionable position by her father . The father who also was characterless , got enraged and killed both of them . After all , ghar ki izzat ka sawaal tha . And Sahib , honour killing is a novel concept in the northern part of the country , since these girls nowadays have no respect for their parents , all due to MTV , they do not care for their family and you see ...."
The detective gets very uncomfortable while describing what exactly these disrespectful girls do , but somehow blurts out " lafda chala leti hain , start having an affair with a person of humble background ,sir." The parents , in order to maintain the honour of their family , then kill them."
Dr. Watson , nearly spat out the water he was drinking . Sherlock is aghast , " What !!!! Kill their child to maintain 'honour' ?" " What kind of society you guys have , you guys commit female foeticide , dowry burning and talk of honour ! And what do you mean ......they are characterless."
But since his brief was to investigate the murder , Holmes maintained his composure and enquired , " Ok , but tell me about the evidence based on which you arrested the doctor ".
" What evidence ?" The detective sounded irritated . " we in India do not look for evidence , we do not have so much time . That is a western concept . We simply presume a theory and arrest everybody who fits the bill . After that our interrogation techniques (chuckles) ensure that the person admits to the crime , because he feels it better to serve a prison sentence , rather than face our techniques", the detective smirked .
Holmes was exasperated by now , looking towards Watson , he said " Watson remeber one of my cases , where I remarked, that it is a capital mistake to theorize before one has data . Insensibly one begins to twist facts to suit theories , intead of theories to facts ."
Looking towards the detective , who looked offended by Holmes's remarks , he asked ," what next , Mr. detective ?"
" Arre , we have subjected him to a narco test , where the accused man is interrogated under the influence of a drug", the detective replied and went on "everybody connected with the case has also been sujected to a lie detector test. we now plan to include the neighbours , the locality grocer , the cable man to such tests ."
" Narco analysis , but that is not scientific , although charlatans project it as one , to suit their needs, and besides , it is not admissible as evidence," Holmes said.
" Arre sahib ," the detective laughed , " who wants evidence , do the courts not know about this , do they ever object ? Besides it is fun to watch the narco analysis examination on TV."
Watson was puzzled , "TV!, is it not a confidential interrogation ? I mean if it becomes public, the investigation might be compromised ."
" So what , at least the TRP ratings of the channels go up . I sold the narco analysis tape of Abu Salem to my friend from XYZ channel, and boy was it fun to watch the gangster being subjected to interrogation . You ask questions and the supply the answer , the guy who is on a drug induced semi conscious state merely repeats what you say . For example , you ask him the name of his intended victim and say as to whether it was Subhash , and slap him gently a couple of times and repeat the procedure . The guy simply repeats the name and the news channels announce that he wanted to kill Subhash Ghai (film director and producer) . What fun na?"
Holmes is disgusted by now and wants to take the first flight back home , but his sincerity prevails, and he continues , " Have you been able to recover the intrument through which the murder was committed , any other accomplices ?"
" Yes, yes we have arrested the compounder , since the doctor was not speaking too much even in narco analysis , and our bosses think that the compounder had a grudge against the doctor or maybe he was the one having the affair , " the detective said .
" For heavens sake , do you guys have no respect for the dead atleast . You people seem hell bent on dragging the name of the poor girl into mud , simply to suit your outlandish theories , " Holmes had by now lost his cool, " What about the weapon?"
" Arre sahib , this fellow this a clever one , there is no trace of the weapon , but now this compounder tells us that he knows the location of the weapon and will help us retrieve it . "
" Good, but how did you elicit this information from the compounder , "
Holmes sounded pleased.
" Arre sahib, we are great at this , our third degree methods ensure that we can force a deer to confess to the murder of a lion ," the detective boasted .
Holmes could not see the reason for continuing any longer , but wishfully pressed on , "But what if the deer , oops... ,the person retracts his confession in court."
" Who is bothered about conviction , we simply want to close the file and move on to a new case . And furthermore , who gets convicted anyway . Nithari , Telgi, Kidney scam , you see the cases drag on and by the time the persons are convicted , apparently they have already served the sentence . And then there are the higher courts . So why bother!" , went on the detective .
" Exactly , why bother ," said Dr. Watson , " people get killed , children still go missing in U.P in large numbers , human organs are still up for sale , a child gets killed , her character is being muddied by ignorant fools who talk of honour killing , prestige . Banal theories are being floated around , purely for the consumption of TV channels , who in turn can also not be blamed , since the general public loves the voyuerism and hence the TRP. Courts convict criminals after ages and that too because the concerned families of the victims do not give up. You are right my friend , WHY BOTHER!!"
Sherlock Holmes for the first time in his carrier decided that this case was beyond his professional abilities , since none were required for , and that enough was enough, and walked out of the room .
There stood the brave warriors from the media , and their questions, " So Mr. Holmes , was Arushi killed by her father?", " Was she also having an affair with the compounder? ", " Do you know where the weapon is hidden, are you going to search in the water tank?", " Mr. Holmes, do you watch Hindi movies?".
Head bent , Holmes walked away , without uttering a word. While waiting at the airport , for the flight back home , he watched his detective friend talking to the media channels on the TV , " Mr. Holmes has concurred with our theory on the murder and has approved of our detection techniques . You guys unneccessarily want foreign help for everything ."
Holmes looked at Dr. Watson and said," Elementary , wasn't it Watson ?".


ON THE CONTRARY , WATSON , YOU CAN SEE EVERYTHING . YOU FAIL , HOWEVER TO REASON FROM WHAT YOU SEE . YOU ARE TOO TIMID IN DRAWING YOUR INFERENCES. -----SHERLOCK HOLMES .