FEAR II

" The only thing we have to fear is fear itself—nameless ,unreasoning , unjustified terror which paralyzes needed efforts to convert retreat into advance ."- F. D. Roosevelt , President of U.S.A ,1933.

As you would have realized by now , I am an idle person with totally idle interests (although I think you guys are no better , since you find time to read what I write , but anyway ) . My idea of exertion is to lie down on a couch and watch others work , at times when that becomes too strenuous I go back to sleep , but you know how things are these days , you hardly get to sleep for more than 10 hours at a stretch .

I am also a great Television watcher and watch Television whenever I find time from by busy schedule !! .

One fine winter morning ( actually afternoon , as mornings are for sleeping ) , I was watching World Wrestling Entertainment guys pummel each other , while I sat down and had my 'Mornin Cuppa .

Suddenly, the Ad breaks appeared ( what ingenuity , as if Ad breaks appear after prior warning ) and I saw a guy advertising for a Tea brand . There he sat down with a cup of tea , when a Neta appeared seeking votes . I will not bore with you the details , although I know you stupid guys have nothing better to do , but in brief , our friend , the young chap harassed the Neta with questions like his qualification details , experience et al . The Neta wears a shocking look on his face and is embarrassed to no end . The Ad ended with the punch line , " JAAGO INDIA JAAGO ."

I suddenly felt goose pimples all over the body ( the same way when I thought that a ghost had entered the house through the window , one fine night …..but that is another story ) . I appreciated the cool attitude of the guy and cursed at my fate for not providing me such opportunities .

And then it happened !

I heard my door bell ring and since there was no one at home , and furthermore since I was expecting the Pizza delivery guy ( I simply love Pizzas , they are so fattening and help me in increasing my lethargy ) , I made the painful effort of walking up to the door and opening it .

There stood in front of me the local leader who was standing in the General elections as a candidate of the ruling party . I had seen the guy's photograph on the packet when I had bought Samosas yesterday evening . What luck , I said to myself and pinched myself hard to confirm that I was not dreaming ( you see with my hobby of sleeping , that is the most expected thing ) . No sir ! I was wide awake , and I quickly mumbled a prayer to God in thankfulness .

Let me describe the guy to you people in brief , before proceeding further ( Don't you feel that I can become a good serial director from the way I stretch things ) .

The guy was around Six feet tall , which is around just 12 inches taller than I am , must have weighed around 100 kgs. , had a thick beard , wore a white shirt , white trousers and white sports shoes . A thick gold chain dangled from his neck , a similar bracelet from his wrist . He had the latest version of the mobile phone in his hand ( I knew the version and was desiring to buy it , but you see the exorbitant price was a deterrent ) and the ubiquitous Paan in his mouth . He was surrounded by his friends , who looked like exact replicas of him and were incessantly chatting on their phones . Revolvers were dangling from the waist of a few of them . To tell you guys frankly , for a moment I thought that the wrestlers had walked out of the television set .

My initial reaction was to run at their sight , but then I remembered the JAAGO INDIA ad and the cursing of my fate a few moments back . This was God making up for all the earlier wrongs perpetrated on me , and I could make a hero out of myself . Since a few of the guys from my locality were accompanying them, I could see the opportunity to impress them with my chutzpah ( one of them was the husband of Mrs. Sharma who I had been ogling for quite some time , and this could be my entry pass to their home and ….. , what fun , I thought , I could kill two birds with one stone ) .

The Neta was decency personified , with folded hands and stuff , and his friend started introducing and singing paens in his praise . My mind was working furiously on the way to humble this guy and become a hero figure for Mrs. Sharma and the rest of the locality ( well actually the rest of the locality was on a lower priority ).

Then it stuck me . Since my mind had stopped functioning years ago due to very infrequent use , I decided upon the queries raised by the 'cool guy' in the ad . I instinctively said , " What is your qualification ?" , " Qualification"!!!!! The guy mumbled , and his eyes nearly popped out and he nearly swallowed on his Paan . Mr. Sharma , who till now stood disinterested and was merely making up the numbers reacted as if somebody had pinched his bottom . The rest of the ' friends' of the Neta nearly fainted . There was pin drop silence all around .

" Qualification! ," the Neta repeated , as if I was asking something in Chinese . Sweat appeared on his forehead and he sounded incoherent . Emboldened and in anticipation of an easy victory , I reiterated : "Yes , Qualification" , and then added , " What is your experience ?" By now I could hear the heartbeat of this guy , he was sweating profusely in this chilly morning . Mr. Sharma looked as if he had just seen Count Dracula , in person . The 'friends' looked as if they were part of some funeral procession .

Enjoying my success , I was already looking towards Mrs Sharma's house and could imagine a standing ovation from the rest of the locality . "Experience !" The guy sounded like he had a sore throat . I felt like those HR guys who themselves know nothing , but interview others for recruitments .

"Yes , meaning what have you done till now ."

And then it happened ……… Suddenly , I could see the guy relax , as if had the job .
" Oh , Accha , so say so na!! " Now it was my turn to get puzzled . What do you mean , say so na , I thought . I then repeated my statement , " Yes, experience , " trying to reassert my superiority . This should shut him up , so I thought .
The Neta spat out the Paan and cleared his throat and began :

" 13 Murders , Ten Kidnappings , Running of extortion business throughout the city , Gun Running , Narcotics supply " , not to be left out , his 'friend chipped in , " Netaji , tell him about the bank robbery yesterday ", " Ah yes ", the Neta noted with a sense of pride , " the bank robbery , yesterday, 5.00 crores only ".
Only!! Was the guy talking about a robbery or signing a cheque !!!!
I felt as an earthquake had struck my house and the earth was trembling beneath my feet . Actually , it was my feet trembling . Now it was my turn to sweat . The glee from my face disappeared and my throat felt as dry as the Bundelkhand land during summer. I could see Mr. Sharma turn around and make an effort to flee this rather unholy situation . But then he turned back as watching my predicament seemed much more interesting ( actually his path was blocked by the Neta's friends , who had begun to voice the choicest expletives and had taken out their weapons , as if to retaliate against a terror attack ).
By now , my legs had turned to jelly and my mind had become numb ( it usually is that way , but Today was different ) . I was looking with pleading eyes towards the people of my locality , as quite a crowd had gathered by now . But my locality people seemed much more interested in observing the colour of the sky .
I suddenly heard Mrs. Sharma's window being closed ……..
The Netaji ( I could not refer to him as Neta anymore ) looked like the Great Khali and the Undertaker put together , to me . The great man was smiling away . Suddenly his phone rang , " Yes , Jailor Baboo , Ha Bhai , I will come back tomorrow for some time . See that the Air Conditioner is installed properly in my room . And yes , have you arranged for the Scotch and the ……. You see , I cannot manage without them ".
Then I realized that Netaji was serving a jail term . I was now sweating like a pig and feeling like a lamb to slaughter . My eyes were moist with tears and I could imagine my family members coming back and finding me beaten to pulp . I took solace in the fact that Mrs Sharma might also pay me a courtesy visit . This is what happens with idle mind , bloody well , here I am on the verge of getting lynched and my mind……
God , get me out of this , is all I could think of then . But at times like this, God also develops a sense of humour , and it seemed like end was near . Seeing my situation one the 'friends ' took out a handkerchief and handed it over to me . I nearly fainted at the sight of the 'kerchief . It had blood stains all over . " Not that one , you fool" , Netaji barked at him . Then he turned around and condescendingly addressed me , " You see we met a scooterist on the way , who refused to give way immediately , and these boys taught him a lesson which he will never forget , IF he survives ."
IF !!!!!!
I wanted the earth to open up and swallow me . I started making promises , " God get me out alive and I will never eat Pizza , never watch T.V , Ads …na baba na . Arre I will not even ogle at Mrs. Sharma . " The 'friends ' were by now laughing like Navjyot Sidhu on Laughter challenge .
" Sir , I will vote for you " , is all I could mumble .
" Arre , who wants you to vote . I had come to warn you people not to venture near the polling booth on the election day , because it might not be good for your health " , announced the Netaji.
" Netaji , I have never voted in my life ". Every body turned around at Mr. Sharma who was glowering as if he was going on a date with Malikka Sherawat .
" And you , fat boy " Netaji turned towards me , " You want some more of my qualification?"
I turned my head in negation so vigorously that it is a wonder that it did not fall off .
" Good, so I take your leave and hope you all are satisfied with my qualification to lead you ", " Netaji Zindabad " my locality residents responded . My voice was choked with fear and I merely raised my hand .
Netaji got elected in a landslide and is now a minister at the Centre . I have switched to watching Aastha channel while not ogling at Mrs. Sharma , and Mr. Sharma smirks, whenever he sees me . I have applied to the Election Commission to strike off my name from the electoral role . If Arundhati Roy can give up Indian citizenship and still live in India, so can I .
Moral of the story : : Never believe in what the Americans tell you . Apparently F. D. Roosevelt had never met my revered NETAJI.
SO JAO INDIA SO JAO.